Now my mother is dead. People don't use that word. Instead they use circumlocutions;''she passed',"your loss', I want to say: she's dead, dead. The night I put here in the hospital, I left after staying with her in the emergency room and I felt like I could do anything.I still have that feeling, how odd, that a person's death could leave you with a feeling of accomplishment.
I seem to be better at everythingIi do. Goodness knows my mother wasn't capable. While she did a lot, it was all at the order of my father, he would depose and she would struggle to do.
What I never really saw about my mother was how negative she was. All my life I had been puzzled because my parents always told me. "You can do anything" But I couldn't do anything. It wasn't till my mother came to live with me that I really heard the other message. She would say,"You can't do it Sheila, its too hard". She would say this even while I did all the things she was telling me were too hard for me to do. And so I realized I had internalized her message and it had left me totally unable to cope with life. But lately I came to realize, if you just do things that need doing, they will get done.
|my mother on a good day|