of course, it's:

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

harnessing my literalness, or, what is my art

AS always, this is the way I question myself; do I have any art in me. Recently I ran across a whole new way of doing things, the maker movement. I went to visit a friend and found her in a makerspace; Artistic Amnesty, over in Somerville. Now what was interesting to me was that  there was much  that was useful to me. I ended up signing up for a class and I have high hopes because for some reason, I am in a creative mode.
Unfortunately, being creative scares the hell out of me because I get manic around art. Today, this morning I was in full mania for a while. The reason I am so scared was that my last real episode of mania ended up with me trying to kill myself. While I enjoy the creative part of the mania, the intensity worries me.
I repeat myself:
 I worked myself up into a manic episode around making my charms. My fingers were dancing on the keyboard, I was typing so fast. I have an observation I want to make but suddenly the real observation is that  ART makes me manic. And I don’t mean it in a completely good way, yes I am creating at a rate I normally do not function at, but I am functioning in a not good way. I start to scare myself.
As I make my charms, I think about how literally I have portrayed the Beads. I have actually incorporated tiny Beads Of courage necklaces in my charms. as I make each little charm, I make up a story for the child my charm represents; blue beads for the doctors visits, red beads at each corner. I decide the yellows will symbolize chemotherapy and the green ones nausea. But why am I always so literal. In this case I was able to harness my literalness and turn it symbolic. Maybe thats it. Thats how I can harness my literalness.
At least I have finally found my art. I went looking it everywhere I was and didn't find it until i was almost too old to appreciate it. Perhaps mania is my way of making up for lost ti

No comments: