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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Death comes for us all

My mother has come back and gone away again. Taking care of her can be as hard thing as can be. Sometimes she moans on each breath and I say"Be Quiet!" As she falls silent I feel so mean, yet when she makes her constant piteous noises I feel like I am going insane along with her. She says she feels spread out over everything. She has lost herself.Sometimes she is more creative in her despair than she is when she is more aware. I bead silently on. I am making some great bracelets, I seem to have MRAW down and am getting mastery of the zig-wing. These are giant steps for me. I am making fewer mistakes too.
Now my mother is dead. People don't use that word. Instead they use circumlocutions;''she passed',"your loss', I want to say: she's dead, dead. The night I put here in the hospital, I left after staying with her in the emergency room and I felt like I could do anything.I still have that feeling, how odd, that a person's death could leave you with a feeling of accomplishment.
I seem to be better at everythingIi do. Goodness knows my mother wasn't capable. While she did a lot, it was all at the order of my father, he would depose and she would struggle to do.
What  I never really saw about my mother was how negative she was. All my life I had been puzzled because my parents always told me. "You can do anything" But I couldn't do anything. It wasn't till my mother came to live with me that I really heard the other message. She would say,"You can't do it Sheila, its too hard". She would say this even while I did all the things she was telling me were too hard for me to do. And so I realized I had internalized her message and it had left me totally unable to cope with life. But lately I came to realize, if you just do things that need doing, they will get done.
my mother on a good day

mom sleeping in bed. she stayed in bed for 3 years

So I came to outgrow my mother and her constant  negative messages. These last years, she became childlike and I became that adult in our relationship. Her death seemed fitting, a rebirth into nothingness, a subsiding into the place she came from. Her consciousness extinguished, her time on the earth  was over. I thought I would be lost without my mother, but instead, I am stronger than all that.
Meanwhile, my skill at peyote has increased, I can now read those charts that baffled me and I have an easy alternative way to start it. Long live MRAW

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